I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
