I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
