yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
