At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
