I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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