dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Someone shit on the floor
just tell him i said nine months
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
