I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
