Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
