True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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