I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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