i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
