How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
