Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
