i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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