White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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