My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
