she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
