My liver just broke up with me...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
