he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
