my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
