Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
