you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
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she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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