who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
