Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
