I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
