Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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