I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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