Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
