About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
