Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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