She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize