Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
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Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
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He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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