i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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