i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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