My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
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Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
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Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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