I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
