Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
