i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize