i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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