perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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