I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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