you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Just puked most of my soul out..
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
