just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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