i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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