Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
