His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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