Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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