I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
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Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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