my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
