You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
