Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
