Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
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one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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