So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
