Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
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I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
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MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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