Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
