Kiss
Puke
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
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I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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