marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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