I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
